


Things Change, People Change, All We Can Do Is Deal With It

by Storyfinatic719



Series: What's in a Lilly? [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Flowers, Hinted that Yamaguchi is trans, Hospitals, M/M, Mentions of child neglect, Sugamama, Volleyball, dadchi, daisuga - Freeform, lillies, mentions of anorexia, mentions of bulemia, slight angst, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 18:43:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16247576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storyfinatic719/pseuds/Storyfinatic719
Summary: Kinda angsty fic feat comfort and a fluffy ending





	Things Change, People Change, All We Can Do Is Deal With It

Yamaguchi didn't know when it happened. When Tsukki was practically replaced with Ennoshita and Suga. When Friday night hangouts with Tsukki turned into weekend long sleepovers with Ennoshita and Suga. When homework nights turned into spa and movie nights. When one-sided conversations and being practically ignored by his crush turned into fun conversations and small gossip sessions. Suddenly he was someone that was pretty and in the know of each year's gossip. He doesn't know when all of this happened he just knows that it did. He isn't unhappy with this change, he loves his new friends, but sometimes he misses the silence that Tsukki gave him and how Tsukki made him feel on the inside. Like he was important. Now he feels important but in a different way. It isn't an unwelcome way. Girls come up to him more often and not to talk about Tsukki anymore. It is normally about what products he uses or for them to confess to him. That last one always comes as a shock to him, but he always declines in a way that makes them seem hopeful. Like telling them that he values their friendship more or that he wasn't ready to focus on that yet. Truthfully, he just didn't like girls. They were nice, sweet, and small. That was the problem. It just wasn't what he wanted. He wanted someone that he could actually lean on, someone that could practically swallow him in a hug until no one could see him anymore, someone that bit back at the idiotic things people said, someone strong who could protect him, and not let their anger fester and infect him. In short, he wanted Tsukki. So now here he was, in the middle of the club room during lunch laying on his back slowly letting out a scream that was gradually getting louder. 

"aaaaaaaaAAAaaaaAAAaaaAAaAaAaAaAaAAaaaAaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." He was trying to get all of his stress out of him. Stress from school, volleyball, those girls, Tsukki. Everything, just get it out. Tears carved tracks in his light foundation layer to cover his imperfections, read: his freckles. That was how he was found. Laying on a dirtyish floor crying and screaming, and he just had to be found by the captain. Daichi was coming to the lockers to just pick up something that he left behind on accident. Daichi looked into the club room and seeing Yamaguchi in there crying came as a surprise. Yamaguchi had heard the door open and stopped his yelling but the tears didn't stop falling. Daichi looked out the door and then looked back inside he sighed and walked to Yamaguchi. He crouched next to him and patted his hair affectionately.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, not much."

"Nothing is wrong so you are laying on the floor crying. Makes sense." At that Yamaguchi sat up and looked at Daichi who was now sitting next to him.

"Have you ever changed what was on your outside so that someone would like you more?"

"I can't say that I have. Who do you want to like you more?" Yamaguchi shook his head.

"It's not important. I just felt like he wasn't seeing me so I changed and now I feel like I'm being seen even less. I don't know if it's my fault or if it's his, but it makes me feel worse than I did before."

"Worse how?" Yamaguchi knew that Daichi only wanted to understand, but this runs deeper than feeling bad or worse. He knew he was depressed, but he honestly thought that as soon as he fixed the things he hated about himself on the outside he would feel better. He thought he did look better, but there was still a small part of his hair that never laid fat, his stomach still stuck out a little, his hips were still girlishly wide, and his thighs were still plump. His mother always told him he should be proud of his body and that his hips were "the perfect childbearing hips" but he wasn't a girl and he wasn't going to give birth to a whole child. Yamaguchi laid back down and looked at the ceiling, hating that he could almost see Tsukki in it. 

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything to make them feel it?" Daichi laid next to him and sighed.

"That I have done."

"How long have you loved them?"

"Almost four years."

"Do they not know or did they not reciprocate?"

"I don't think they know."

"I wish they knew. For you, for me, for them? I don't really know, but I wish they knew." Daichi looked over at him and smiled. "I wish you knew..." He trailed off thinking about Suga. Daichi furrowed his eyebrows and started at Yamaguchi quizzically.

"Wish I knew what?"

"All the drama that you have caused." Yamaguchi looked over at Daichi and saw his look of confusion. "I know you have no idea what I'm talking about. It makes sense that you don't they are very good at hiding how they feel, but not when it comes to you for some reason. They are so blatant about their feelings towards you, but yet... You don't notice. Or you have and choose not to talk about it."

"What brought all of this up?" 

"I've been thinking."

"Just thinking?"

"Yeah, thinking about a lot of things. Mainly me, but I think about you and the rest of the team sometimes."

"What things do you think about us?"

"Mainly how much happier the team would be if only a few things were different." Daichi nodded and Yamaguchi sighed looking back up at the ceiling. 

"Lunch is almost over have you eaten?" Yamaguchi thinks for a moment.

"I'm not hungry." Liar. "I think I'm going to stay here a bit longer."

"Do you want me to stay?'

"Would you please?"

"Of course." Daichi moved so that he was sitting and moved Yamaguchi's head to his lap and softly patted his cheek. "Everything is going to work itself out."

\------------

Things change again. He remembers when this happens this time. He pushed them away. Everything changed again and he didn't like this change. He brought it on himself this time though. No one knows his secrets anymore, only his journal which is being filled with pages and pages of ink. He has gotten thinner and his thighs are no longer plump, his stomach practically caved in now instead of sticking out slightly, he cut off the one piece of hair that never cooperated and when it started growing back he squished it down so it would stay down, he still covered his freckles, but he could never change his hip. They stayed the same. They were no longer soft sloping curves though. They were now rough edges that hurt when he lays on his side. He no longer lays on his side. He still shows up to the whole team practice and his alone time practice. His hands develop calluses that he thinks are ugly. His hands and feet grow blisters that pop when the wind blows. He isn't beautiful no matter how hard he tried. He still thinks he looks ugly, but now he is ugly and alone. The day he figures that all out he walks slowly into practice with tears forming in his eyes, tears that he had been holding back all day. He never cried very much before. Even when his parents decided they liked working abroad more than they like having a son, he didn't cry. He knew that he would still be living in the same house, he knew that his parents would give him the money that he needed for groceries, and he knew that he wasn't going to have to leave Tsukki. So why cry? Everything was alright. Now, nothing was "alright”. He felt like his insides were slowly withering away like the rest of him. Every time he ate something, only to throw it up a few minutes later a part of himself came out with the rest of the food, and every time he passed on eating because "he wasn't hungry" he felt something in him finish with its starvation and die. Nothing was okay ,so why not cry? He had been on the verge of crying the whole day too. So now in the middle of practice, they slowly cloud his vision and quietly run through his more heavily applied foundation. He couldn't see through them, but it was almost like no one could see them. No one said a word until he was asked to practice his serves. Of course, he said yes. He walked up to the courts serve line and throws the ball up for a jump float serve. He missed the ball due to not being able to see it and the ball landed in his face. The ball fell to the floor and he fell with it. No longer trying to stop the tears and staring blankly at the ball that had rolled away. He could no longer see the ball through the multiple pairs of legs that crowded around him. He knew that the team was worried and that they were trying to talk to him. He could kind of hear them, hear the shouts of his name and the questions on his okayness status. He felt a soft and warm hand land on his cheek, and he leaned into its soft radiating warmth. The hand's thumb moved to wipe away the tears. He let his eyes slip closed as he felt another arm snake under his knees and the one that was on his cheek move to under his back. He knew he was being moved he didn't know who because once he closed his eyes it seemed impossible that they would open again, it seemed weird that they would have even opened in the first place. It also seemed strange that he would have ever let himself be out of these arms. They were so warm and comforting. Who would even think about wanting to leave them? The next thing he knew he was in cold white room with beeping monitors. Tubes running in and out of him. A food and water tube he realized. He was being force fed. All of that work to be ruined by a hospital. He knew he must have gained weight because when he looked down at himself the plumpness of his thighs were slowly coming back and the soft slopes of his hips were forming once more. A hand was warming his, and he looked to the side to see a sleeping Tsukki. His heartbeat dropped then spiked causing Tsukki to wake up and nurses and doctors to rush in. Once the doctors decided that everything was okay and that Yamaguchi wasn't dying they left the small room and let Tsukki back in. Yamaguchi averted his gaze and looked down at his lap as he sat up from his laying down position.

"You were out for a while." Tsukki started.

"Oh, how long?"

"A few weeks, but the doctors were keeping you asleep so you wouldn't fight them when trying to feed you, and they didn't want to keep pumping you full of relaxants," Yamaguchi nodded and picked at the blanket that was laying on top of him. He knew it wasn't the hospital's because this was the blanket that he used when he slept over at Tsukki's. Tsukki's mom practically gave it to him and they called it Tadashi's blanket. It stayed in Tsukki's room on the top shelf of his closet. He pulled the blanket closer to him seeking its warm comfort. "What happened?" 

"What do you mean?" Yamaguchi mumbled.

"I thought we told each other everything. Why wouldn't you tell me about this?" Tsukki pointed out and Yamaguchi stayed quiet. 

"I haven't told you everything."

"Well obviously." he retorted gesturing to Yamaguchi's small form. "Tell me everything please." Yamaguchi looked up at him and gestured to the chair by the bed. 

"There's a lot I haven't told you, and if you really want to hear everything it's gonna be a while." 

"That's okay. Just talk to me for a while. I missed it when you were gone." 

"Okay, I guess we can start with the small things I haven't told you yet."

"Then that's where we'll start." 

"The girls that always came up to me only wanted to talk to me about you. They wanted to ask if you were available or something. I never gave them an answer. I just walked away. I don't really like chicken. I mean it's alright, but it's not my favorite. Kinda slimy when it isn't cooked. Which is very gross. I haven't actually eaten in the longest time and when I do I end up just throwing it up. I liked it when I was 'pretty'. I really liked it. So I guess I tried to make myself prettier, but that didn't really work. I just got really upset and alone." He trailed off. "I wanted to be pretty, and no matter what I did to get there I still didn't think I was pretty. And I kept asking myself why I didn't think I was pretty. All that was going through my head was why am I not pretty and what could I do to be prettier." He sighs and brings his hands up to his face. "These past few months have been really hard." He looks at his best friend. "I'm sorry." Tsukishima places a soft and calming hand on his arm. 

"You're okay." The intensity of the look in Tsukki's eyes makes Yamaguchi's heartbeat speed up slightly, and this time, mortifyingly, Tsukki can hear it. "Why is your heartbeat getting faster?"

"I don't know it kinda looked like you were going to kiss me." This caused Tsukki to look back at him.

"And if I did?"

"I don't know. I guess you will have to find out for yourself." Yamaguchi didn't know where any of this came from. He had never been this bold before, especially with Tsukki. It didn't come as a surprise to Yamaguchi when the taller leaned in and softly kissed him. The blonde pulled away before he could kiss back, but they could tell by the sudden silence and then the even beeping that Yamaguchi's heart literally skipped a beat. The two blushed and looked away from each other. Both boys trying to find something to say to the other. Something to express how much they wanted to be together. Luckily Suga walked into the room with a small bouquet of lilies, Yamaguchi's favorite flower. 

"Oh, you are awake already," Suga stated semi-awkwardly. He didn't know where he stood with the first-year anymore.

"Yeah. Listen, Suga. I'm sorry. I was just having a really tough time and I didn't know how to deal with having people around me." Yamaguchi clarified. "I shouldn't have taken it out on you and Ennoshita." Suga approached the greenette with a smile and placed the lilies on the side table. He ran a hand through Yamaguchi's hair and shook his head.

"You are right you shouldn't have taken it out against us, but at least, you realized that. I'm just glad you are okay." Yamaguchi looked to the bedside table.

"Thanks for the lilies."

"They're not from me. They're from Daichi." After that Yamaguchi reached over to the flowers. He examined them.

"Did you pick them out?"

"No. He just couldn't come over today and wanted them to get to you the day you woke up. I'm just the delivery boy." Yamaguchi nodded and smiled up at him. He found a small brown card tied to the stem of one of the lilies. He gently untied it and read it.

'I figured out what you meant. I always thought Michimiya was just being nice. I figured out that the other person was Suga. Weird how that worked out. (p.s. Tsukishima told me you liked lilies)' Yamaguchi smiled once more and brought the flowers to his nose and inhaled deeply. 

"Suga, I'm happy everything worked out for you." Suga smiled and stroked Yamaguchi's cheek.

"Thank you."

"I hope you don't mind me working things out for me." He directed his speech towards Suga when he got a smile and watched Suga walked out of the room, gently closing the door behind him. Yamaguchi semi-quickly turned to Tsukki again. "Kei, I love you. I love being with you. Basically everything about you, I love."

"I love you too, Tadashi."

"So... are we like boyfriends now?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Oh yeah, I'm Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei's boyfriend. Now that sounds much better than Tsukishima Kei's lost puppy." 

"You were never my lost puppy. If anything I was more like yours." Yamaguchi blushed and took Tsukki's hand once more. 

This was nice. Things change, people change too. It isn't always in a bad way, but it is always in a way that we have to deal with.


End file.
